new years resolution.

Around this time every year people commit themselves to a goal to accomplish throughout the "new year" - lose weight, be more optimistic, eat less carbs, be happy - stuff like that.  Some years I have problems trying to think of a new goal to accomplish in the following year.  But this year I have a huge one to work on and it's all because of my boyfriend.  For those of you who don't know, I have never had much luck in the boy department.  I've been cheated on, lied to, used - all of the stuff that your daddies warn you about when your a little girl.  Yes, it sucked in the moment but in the end I thank every single person (not even just ex-boyfriends) that has ever hurt me because it's molded me into the individual that I am today.  Now anyway, back to my boyfriend.  We met quite ironically.  I went to see the movie "The Hangover" which I found completely idiotic so halfway through the movie I got bored and went outside for a few minutes.  Long story short, that's how we met.  He and I still think that it's faith how we met.  The fact that we saw each other outside the theater was complete and total fate in itself.  He was sneaking into a movie and I was sneaking out.  The person that introduced the two of us was someone that I hadn't talked to in months.  We texted back and forth for a little while, nothing major though.  Then we both went to the same party - my first and basically last party of my short little twenty year old life.  Since that night, we became inseparable.  We saw each other almost everyday, started dating on the 4th of July (he asked me out during the finale of the fireworks, sorry but I do have to brag a little bit) and there were only a handful of times that we didn't spend time together.  Then college came and I had to move away and we were both worried how we'd manage, but we did.  Now it's been almost a year and a half and here we are.  But I'm not trying to paint this image of a perfect relationship, because we've had our up's and down's throughout this last year and a half.  My latest insecurity about me and him?  I'm in college and we've already talked about how I don't know what I want to do with my life and where I want to go.  I also told you how badly I've wanted to be a mom someday.  Now I work in a doctor's office part-time, go to school part-time and in a few weeks I'll be starting an internship at a news channel.  Clearly, I'm a busy girl.  He works full-time at a local coffee place where we live.  He's a little more advanced than I am as far as stuff that life throws at you goes.  He pays bills (I've never paid a bill in my life and the first time I get one I'll probably cry).  He pays for his car (I paid $3000 for my car when I first bought it and I THOUGHT I was paying my own car payments monthly, until I realized my mom was putting money in my account to help me out).  Nothing comes easy for him and he's the definition of the word independent.  I'm the definition of the word compulsive.  I am obsessed with actually becoming independent so instead of paying bills or my car payments or stuff of that sort, I just want to move out and start living on my own.  The first time I brought it up to him, he just passified me (sometimes it really is just easier to passify me).  Then I kept talking about it and talking and talking and for a little bit, I think I had him convinced.  Then reality set in for him - I'm in school and only working part-time, he already puts in more than $40 a week and finally just got caught up on all his finances - so how are we going to move in together and make that work?  Me being selfish I got angry and put all the pressure on him.  It's HIS fault, HE needs a real job, HE needs to figure his life out, HIM HIM HIM.  Just because he wasn't passifying me, I got mad and automatically blamed him.  He tried rationalizing with me, but I just got mad because I thought that there was something wrong with me and he didn't want to live with me.  Well, there is something wrong with me - but it isn't the fact that he doesn't love me or WANT to move in with me, it's the fact that I'm a dreamer and haven't thought of all the particulars yet.  When you get a place there's bills and lots of them - electric, heat, cable, internet, water - all that fun stuff that I pretend doesn't exist.  I wasn't brought up in a family that talks about all that, so I've never really thought about it until I started looking up places.  Then reality hit me.. and it hit hard.  Being independent is expensive and alot of work.  How am I supposed to go to school and work part-time and assume that I could pay half of what a rent of a place would be?  Then my defenses started back up again when I watched that show "16 and Pregnant."  Granted, it's reality t.v. but I mean those girls are moms at the age of 16 and they get to live on their own AND have babies, so why can't I just live with someone?  I don't even want a baby yet, so I could do it right?  Wrong.  My goal for the New Year is to be a little more realistic.  I can't expect to move out and have everything handed to me when I'm gone.  My mom isn't going to be there to put money in my account every month for electricity or cable and I wouldn't want her to.  So needless to say, after talking about this with a woman at work today I felt selfish and mad at myself for being so.. bitchy.  Something I need to work on for New Year's so we'll see how it goes.  I'll keep you posted.  Oh, and by the way I've also taken a look at the people around me.  A girl I know told me how her boyfriend broke up with her last week and how much of an ass he is.  My boyfriend never raises his voice to me, he loves me unconditionally and respects me.  I never have to worry about him hurting me or cheating on me and I'm grateful for that.  I don't tell him that enough and even though I'm "bitchy," I know I'm an extremely lucky "bitchy" girl because most girls my age can't find a guy like I have.  I need to stop taking what I have for granted and appreciate the love that I do have in my life.