2010.

This past year wasn't the best, but I learned more than I think I've ever learned in a year.  I would say that in 2010 I learned how to love someone and allow them to love me back.  I've learned that sometimes there's a reason why people fade in and out of your life, but sometimes it's better to just let them fade because if you keep letting them come back all it does is hurt everytime they fade away.  I've learned that girls will always be jealous of you and every aspect of you - your clothes, your boyfriend, your friends.  I've never quite understood jealousy until the beginning of this year when I really experienced it and it really hurt me.  I've learned that if someone is telling you to stop talking to someone, it's not to be controlling or to hurt you - it's because they see something that you yourself don't want to see.  I've learned that every girl you meet doesn't want to take away your boyfriend or do anything with him, sometimes they're just extremely friendly.  It's annoying as hell, but completely innocent.  I've also learned, sorry but I have to brag, that I have the best family and boyfriend that a girl could ask for.  Yes I fight with every single one of them - my mom, my dad, my brother and my boyfriend - yes, they get on my nerves and sometimes I just want to lose my mind and run away from them.  But, bottom line is that they're always around for me.  They're always there to pick me up when I fall and to hug me when I need a hug.  This year was hard on everyone and to have their constant love and reassurance was great.  (Once again I have to brag.  The day of my Tio's funeral/wake, Paulo was scheduled to work.  I didn't bug him about it, it was whatever.  But then he went behind my back and talked to one of my best friends, April, and showed up there before the ceremony started.  Thank god he came because I would've been lost without him.)  I've learned to come out of my comfort zone and that it's ok to be uncomfortable with trying something new, but it's better to say I tried than I didn't.  Paulo had been begging me for months to go to South Carolina with him and his friends, but I didn't really know his friends and I was scared.  When my Tio died, I realized how quickly life can be taken away from you and I let my guard down and went - and it was hands-down the best vacation of my life.  I've learned that having grudges against people and holding negative vibes isn't healthy for you.  The other person doesn't know how much you hate them or think about hating them, so how in the hell is it hurting them?  They aren't thinking about you, so why would you waste your time thinking about them?  I've learned that I'm too controlling and I put too high of expectations on people.  I need to keep my guard up, but not as high as I've been keeping it.  I've learned to TRY to stop complaining all the time because I can't deal with it when people constantly complain to me, so how do I think they feel when I do it back?  Overall, 2010 was filled with tears, drama, fights (believe me more than I wanted) and not the best situations.  But! I want to take this part of the blog to say a few things to a few people:

• April.  I know you and I have had our up's and down's this year and that ever since I've moved home we don't talk/see each other as much but I don't want you to think that I don't remember all the stuff you've done for me.  You were there for me on my birthday when noone, and I mean noone, else was.  You spent the whole day with me without a complaint and you did everything you could to make my day/night perfect and I really appreciate that.  I know you must think that I take you for granted sometimes, but I don't.  I do appreciate you and the stuff you do.  You were the only person who stayed at my Tio's funeral until you felt I was comfortable enough to be by myself.  You have always had my best interests at heart and despite the fact that instead of talking you and I just bottle stuff up, I always know what you're thinking in the back of your mind.  We'll be fine when we graduate and we're going to become something together and it'll be because we're together.  I love you alot and thank you for everything this year.
• Ashley. We've had more than up's and down's this year.  We've had a rollarcoaster ride.  I'm sorry for the fights, they were beyond immature and I feel like when we got over our fights, it was awkward.  I feel like it was awkward for a while for the two of us - but we overcame it.  We got over our insecurities and we let our guards down and we became friends again.  You are the only thing in my life that has remained constant for the last few years.  You're the most stable person in my life, despite our stupid fights.  You're the only person who survived the cut when I cut off everyone and I think that there's a reason for it.  There's a reason that you and I always find a way to make our relationship, yes RELATIONSHIP because you're my long relationship I've ever had, work and I'm glad for that.  I love you like you're my family.  I love you like you're my sister and I don't ever want to go through what we've gone through in this past year again and you need to promise that we won't.  No more dark days. I love you.
• Alexa.  I feel like this past year you and I have become more of a family than before.  You've grown up alot this year and you've learned alot from me already and I don't mean that in a conceited way.  You always listen to my advice and take it and I'm glad that I can help you not to make the same mistakes that I made in high school.  I'm proud of you and the girl that you are and for being my partner in crime.  I'll always be around for you, with whatever you need and whatever you decide to do in life you know I'll always back you up.  I love my little red-headed sister.
• Paulo. You have the patience of a saint.  I can't even believe that you're still with me and it's almost been a year and a half.  You came along and changed my entire world.  I'd been hurt so much in the past and I didn't think it was possible to ever care for/love someone the way that I do for you.  You make me so happy and complete.  I have not only found a boyfriend in you, but I've found a best friend and a missing piece of me.  I'm sorry for my moods and being bitchy sometimes.  You don't even understand how much I appreciate you being there for me and that vision of you walking into my Tio's funeral will ALWAYS be in the back of my mind because it was amazing for you to be there for me.  I never want to be without you and I'm glad that I've found you.  You've introduced me to a world that I've never been a part of.  You've taken me to more places in this year and a half than I have ever been in my life.  You've done so much with me and forced me out of my comfort zone and I couldn't be more grateful for that.  I love you with all my heart and I'm so glad I've found you.

And finally, to the strongest people I know.

• My family.  The four of us have been through alot this past year and the funny thing is that we've made it to another year when we all felt like it would never get here.  We've made it to 2011 and we've made it with accomplishments.  Dad, I know this year has been particularly hard for you but you don't even know how much you've affected me this year.  You're strength is something that should be envied by everyone around you.  I love you very much and I hope that I can be as strong as you for the rest of my life.  You always put a smile on my face and always make me feel better when I'm down.  I love you very much.  Mom, you are the definition of my best friend.  You always listen to me and give me the best advice and I truly think of you as my best friend.  You are always there for me and always give me a shoulder to cry on.  Thank you for letting me grow up this year and do everything on my own.  I may have hated it in the moment, but I appreciate it now.  Thomas, we've had the most confusing relationship this year. I don't tell you this enough but I am proud, and a little jealous, of you.  I'm proud of how well you do in school, your acting skills (especially this year!) and of course with your wrestling.  I love you so much and you've been amazing in this past year.  I love you little brother.

Congrads to everyone for making it to 2011 :)

new years resolution.

Around this time every year people commit themselves to a goal to accomplish throughout the "new year" - lose weight, be more optimistic, eat less carbs, be happy - stuff like that.  Some years I have problems trying to think of a new goal to accomplish in the following year.  But this year I have a huge one to work on and it's all because of my boyfriend.  For those of you who don't know, I have never had much luck in the boy department.  I've been cheated on, lied to, used - all of the stuff that your daddies warn you about when your a little girl.  Yes, it sucked in the moment but in the end I thank every single person (not even just ex-boyfriends) that has ever hurt me because it's molded me into the individual that I am today.  Now anyway, back to my boyfriend.  We met quite ironically.  I went to see the movie "The Hangover" which I found completely idiotic so halfway through the movie I got bored and went outside for a few minutes.  Long story short, that's how we met.  He and I still think that it's faith how we met.  The fact that we saw each other outside the theater was complete and total fate in itself.  He was sneaking into a movie and I was sneaking out.  The person that introduced the two of us was someone that I hadn't talked to in months.  We texted back and forth for a little while, nothing major though.  Then we both went to the same party - my first and basically last party of my short little twenty year old life.  Since that night, we became inseparable.  We saw each other almost everyday, started dating on the 4th of July (he asked me out during the finale of the fireworks, sorry but I do have to brag a little bit) and there were only a handful of times that we didn't spend time together.  Then college came and I had to move away and we were both worried how we'd manage, but we did.  Now it's been almost a year and a half and here we are.  But I'm not trying to paint this image of a perfect relationship, because we've had our up's and down's throughout this last year and a half.  My latest insecurity about me and him?  I'm in college and we've already talked about how I don't know what I want to do with my life and where I want to go.  I also told you how badly I've wanted to be a mom someday.  Now I work in a doctor's office part-time, go to school part-time and in a few weeks I'll be starting an internship at a news channel.  Clearly, I'm a busy girl.  He works full-time at a local coffee place where we live.  He's a little more advanced than I am as far as stuff that life throws at you goes.  He pays bills (I've never paid a bill in my life and the first time I get one I'll probably cry).  He pays for his car (I paid $3000 for my car when I first bought it and I THOUGHT I was paying my own car payments monthly, until I realized my mom was putting money in my account to help me out).  Nothing comes easy for him and he's the definition of the word independent.  I'm the definition of the word compulsive.  I am obsessed with actually becoming independent so instead of paying bills or my car payments or stuff of that sort, I just want to move out and start living on my own.  The first time I brought it up to him, he just passified me (sometimes it really is just easier to passify me).  Then I kept talking about it and talking and talking and for a little bit, I think I had him convinced.  Then reality set in for him - I'm in school and only working part-time, he already puts in more than $40 a week and finally just got caught up on all his finances - so how are we going to move in together and make that work?  Me being selfish I got angry and put all the pressure on him.  It's HIS fault, HE needs a real job, HE needs to figure his life out, HIM HIM HIM.  Just because he wasn't passifying me, I got mad and automatically blamed him.  He tried rationalizing with me, but I just got mad because I thought that there was something wrong with me and he didn't want to live with me.  Well, there is something wrong with me - but it isn't the fact that he doesn't love me or WANT to move in with me, it's the fact that I'm a dreamer and haven't thought of all the particulars yet.  When you get a place there's bills and lots of them - electric, heat, cable, internet, water - all that fun stuff that I pretend doesn't exist.  I wasn't brought up in a family that talks about all that, so I've never really thought about it until I started looking up places.  Then reality hit me.. and it hit hard.  Being independent is expensive and alot of work.  How am I supposed to go to school and work part-time and assume that I could pay half of what a rent of a place would be?  Then my defenses started back up again when I watched that show "16 and Pregnant."  Granted, it's reality t.v. but I mean those girls are moms at the age of 16 and they get to live on their own AND have babies, so why can't I just live with someone?  I don't even want a baby yet, so I could do it right?  Wrong.  My goal for the New Year is to be a little more realistic.  I can't expect to move out and have everything handed to me when I'm gone.  My mom isn't going to be there to put money in my account every month for electricity or cable and I wouldn't want her to.  So needless to say, after talking about this with a woman at work today I felt selfish and mad at myself for being so.. bitchy.  Something I need to work on for New Year's so we'll see how it goes.  I'll keep you posted.  Oh, and by the way I've also taken a look at the people around me.  A girl I know told me how her boyfriend broke up with her last week and how much of an ass he is.  My boyfriend never raises his voice to me, he loves me unconditionally and respects me.  I never have to worry about him hurting me or cheating on me and I'm grateful for that.  I don't tell him that enough and even though I'm "bitchy," I know I'm an extremely lucky "bitchy" girl because most girls my age can't find a guy like I have.  I need to stop taking what I have for granted and appreciate the love that I do have in my life.

English.

You know, I'm an English major.  I'm an English major because I followed my heart instead of my head.  My head said, "Stick with nursing because you'll make a ton of money and have job security."  My heart replied with, "You can't handle seeing someone break a bone or getting a needle so how in the hell are you going to do that to someone else?!"  My heart had a good point.  So clearly it won.  Then my head said, "Well fine then at least be certified to be a teacher so you still have job security."  And my heart said, "You'll end up waking up in the morning dreading going to work and you don't want that either."  So once again, my heart won.  I'm an English major.  I was happy.. for about a month, until I realized what AM I going to do?!  In a year from this exact day, I will be finished with my fall semester of my senior year of college.  SENIOR.  Do you know what that means?  For about 15 years I've been saying, "I can't wait to graduate from college then I'll never have to go to school again!"  But how do you prepare yourself to never write a paper again, to never sit in a classroom again?  I mean sure, you can go back but realistically life takes over - you get married, have kids, get used to a steady income - and school just takes a backburner.  But what happens if I graduate and don't know what to do?  What if I can't find a job or stability?  But do you want to know something sad?  Ever since I was little do you know what I've truly wanted to be?  A parent.  A mom.  The way I feel about my mom is how I want someone to feel about me.  I know for a fact that my dad loves my mom, I think everyone in the world knows that they're in love (you honestly couldn't pick a better match for the two of them!)  but it's a different kind of love that they both feel for me and my brother.  I want that.  I want to watch someones face light up when they open that perfect gift on Christmas morning.  But how do I get there?  Right now, I can't even move out of my own house, so how am I going to graduate with a degree in English and expect to get anywhere?  Two people said two things that have been bothering me so much within the past month.  First person.  I started a new job and he's the CEO of the company (I won't say names/locations, I'm mean but not that mean).  He asked what I was in school for and I replied English.  He said, "Oh really?  My son's going for his doctorate in English.  It's a tough major.  Maybe I should hook you two up and then you can move to a little city in Kansas together because that's about the only place that either one of you will get a job."  Ouch.  That one stung.. and it was in front of a bunch of people.  Second person.  Once again, same question, what are you going to school for and I reply, "English."  She says, "Oh English is a major for people that don't know what to do with their lives.  It's just like a Psych degree or Arts."  Burn.  Major burn.  But you know what actually keeps me going about it?  I won't be a nurse and I won't be a teacher.  I'll never hold a patients hand and tell them that I'm going to stab them with a needle and I won't stay after school and help a child with his math homework because he doesn't understand it.  And in some sense, it does make me sad.  I do like helping people, but the difference?   I would wake up every morning miserable and upset.  I would resent the patients that are rude and nasty and that would take a toll on me.  If I ever got a migraine during a school day, then I might throw a misbehaving child out a window - by that reaction, I also know I can't be a mom just yet ;) Yeah, English might be a little broad and stupid, but you know what?  I'll be happy.  I'm content with working two jobs for the rest of my life, just like my parents because I went after something that made me happy.  For once, I didn't settle and I did something for me, not the rest of the world.

wait.

In our society we plan out our weeks - take my week for example. Monday through Friday I'm working until 4:30 pm, then Friday night is Christmas Eve and I can't wait to give Paulo his Christmas present and open a present from my parents, since it's tradition. But who guaranteed me that Friday will even come this week? Who said that Paulo will open his present and I can see the look on his face, or my mom when she opens her gift? Noone. We all plan things ahead - noone plans for just the day. If there is one thing that I've learned this week, it's to plan things by day. I went camping this summer, shocking enough in itself for you people that actually know me, but I did go. My Tio Gilbert (tio meaning uncle) had been diagnosed with terminal cancer actually exactely a year ago from this week. I planned to see him before I left. Actually the funny part is, the night I was going to stop by - which was two nights before I left - I was driving with Paulo and we saw a car that was broken down on the side of the road. I said, Wow that looks just like Tio's car! And he laughed and said, It is Tio's car! Can't you see Car-Car (we'll talk about him another time) sticking his head out the window?! My Tio, sick as he was, was trying to fix his own car. You need to understand that my Tio was an expert on cars - he loved them. More of an obsession really, but it made him happy. Now you see this man, fraile and sick, and he's doing something he loves to do anyway. So of course we pulled over and I made sure he was okay and once the car was all set, I said Tio I'm going camping this week! He laughed at me, like I said me camping is just humorous in itself! I promised to see him when I came back and that was it. Paulo and I went home, my Tio drove along with Car-Car in tow and I had just assumed he'd be waiting for me when I got home. He wasn't. I got home from camping just a week later, and my mom tried telling me that my Tio was sick - but I just brushed it away. 5 days earlier he was trying to fix his own car! He was fine, she was just exaggerating or my dad was trying to make me feel bad to come home early. I'm mad at myself for being so selfish. I walked into my mom's office at about 10am and was so excited to be home, but she just told me that he died at 4 a.m. and they didn't want to tell me until I got home. I was relieved they waited - I wouldnt've been able to drive home from Rhode Island at 8 a.m. with that on my shoulders - but I was mad. I was mad at myself because I didn't plan day-by-day. I assumed that he would've been waiting for me when I got home. I could've shown him pictures and it would've been fine. I am grateful for it though, he was suffering and I know that he's better off now where he is. He's lived a hard life and it's time for some well-deserved relaxation for him up in Heaven - I just hope that God has cars up there that he can work on!
My point in this entry is to not take life for granted and I know people say that everyday and there's quotes about it, but I've lived it. I know what it's like to wake up with the regret of not saying goodbye for once last time, for not telling him how much he meant to me. I am glad that I got to see the smile on his face that he only got when he worked on his cars though - I'll never forget that face. But please, don't think too far ahead. It gets you nowhere and leaves you unhappy. Be happy for this moment, for this day and for the morning - not for a month from now, a week or even a day.

pressure.

I feel like I have no where to turn as far as college goes. While at first I did just blame my school, I realized that it is more of a generalized notion rather than just specifically at one place. Majors. What to be when you grow up. What do you want to make of yourself, where do you want to be, is it stable, will you have money? All of those questions come running through your head like it is a word marathon inside your brain. But what are the answers? Now that's the hard part. I'm an English major, and NO. I do NOT want to be a teacher. I say that rudely because that is the first thing I'm asked every time that is my response. And sometimes, for pure entertainment on my part, I reply with: I actually want to write novels. Because apparently there is no such thing as a successful writer anymore. I was not aware of this. I just want to be happy. Is there a job description for that? **Must be a happy person. There isn't, just in case you were wondering. You know, I was sitting on the couch the other night and I was actually watching Sex and the City 2 and all I want to do is be like Carrie - a part-time writer for Vogue, full-time novelist who lives in what I'd consider an extremely nice apartment and has enough clothes for a small army. I understand that it's just a television show, but let's face it - Sex and the City has become a voice for many types of women - the freespirited and love challenged Carrie, the sex addict Samantha, the work-a-holic Miranda and the innocent Charlotte. There's a little of the Sex and the City girls in all of us, but it's up to us to make it happen I guess. But how? How do you live this "high life" while only writing for a magazine or just simply majoring in English? I feel like the only way to be successful anymore is to become a nurse or a teacher. Well clearly the nursing route did not work out for me, although it drives me insane on a daily basis that I could not do it. And I'm sorry, but I have no desire to be a teacher and if I have no desire, then I'm not going to be a very effective one now am I?

Wrestling.

My brother idolizes my grandfather and I am not using the word idolize loosely. My brother looks up to him as if he is my brother’s personal version of God walking this planet. The two of them have a bond that you rarely find between two people and they value that.
Well, my little brother is a wrestler for his high school. My grandfather can’t see well at night, so it’s important to him to go to all the local matches that happen to fall in the afternoon as often as possible. My brother had a mini tournament at his high school and even though the matches didn’t start until 3, grandpa was right in the front row at 2:30 twitching (literally) with great anticipation.
Now, my grandfather is also extremely protective and still believes that he can take down a 25 year old man, even though he is over 70 with a beer-belly and springs leaks all over the place when he stretches his skin too far. Needless to say, he hasn’t lost his spirit.
A man from one of the opposite wrestling teams decided to be obnoxious and yell obscene things to the two boys that were wrestling on the mat and let’s say the dialogue went a little like this:
Man: “He’s dead! He’s weak! He’s tired, just finish him off! He’s throwing up in his hat!”
At this point grandpa begins to shift uneasily in his chair.
Man: “Just finish it already! For christsake’s it’s a GIRL! You can’t beat a GIRL?!”
Well that was it. Grandpa firmly places his hand on the man’s shoulders and begins to tell the man to calm down before my grandfather decides to take him outside and wring his neck.
Now you may not see the humor in this, but you need to know that the high school my brother attends is extremely prestigious in our city. Kids travel from all over the state to attend this high school and a year’s tuition at this school is equivalent to a semester of college for me – and I attend a Catholic All-Girls School, so it isn’t exactly cheap.
The parents began to slowly, but surely, walk as quickly away from my grandfather as possible before they found themselves in the middle of the situation. The faces of parents began to flush with embarrassment and they found it an appropriate time to “have to use the restroom.”
So back to the story, my grandfather has his hand on the man’s shoulder and begins squeezing and squeezing and squeezing until the man decides to make a fist and pose a gesture as if he’s going to hit my grandfather. Well that was enough to set my Puerto Rican father over who ran over and started yelling and swearing and it was just.. intense. Entertaining, but intense.

Introductions

My grandfather is in his late seventies and his nickname, due to my little brother, is Buster. He has a head of white hair and glasses that take over his face, but his crystal blue eyes shine from behind them. He had back surgery when I was young and now he walks like he is the Hunchback of Notre Dame. He is easily angered, flustered, frustrated and once he is any of those he turns as red as an apple and begins huffing and puffing like he is a smokestack. His wardrobe doesn’t go much further than khaki’s, a pair of New Balance sneakers and a sweatshirt – sometimes just a t-shirt. He is springing a leak from his arms, legs, elbows, face from old cuts that have reopened. And Buster has more than just that nickname – my mother finds P.T. (which stands for Pop tart) to be particularly fitting for him. My grandfather is the kind of guy you read about in Nicholas Sparks novels, he’d give you the shirt off of his back and, even though he doesn’t always show it, I’ve never seen a man love his wife so unconditionally.
You see, my grandmother tends to be a pain in the ass. She is one Twinkie away from being considered obese and has more medical problems than you can imagine – gout in her finger so now it’s swollen and it looks like a rock is stuck under her skin, knee problems, ankle problems, feet problems – anything you name she’s got it. So, in a very direct way I’d say that my grandmother is useless around their house. She has short, whitish hair with big glasses and teeth that look like a witch you read in all the stories when you were younger. She can’t walk well, so she can’t clean the house or do laundry because she can’t get up and down the stairs, so my grandpa cares for the two of them.
I know just because Buster cleans the house and does laundry doesn’t mean that he unconditionally loves my grandmother, but he does deal with her on a daily basis and just that alone qualifies him as a Saint in my book. My grandmother hates when attention is not on her and my grandfather tends to that on a daily basis. My grandfather has a retreat in the basement, his version of a “man cave.” He’s got a TV on the top of an old school desk, a couch with a hideous design of browns, yellows and oranges, a chair to match where the dog sits and a refrigerator filled with Budweiser. The moment my grandfather tries to retreat down there, my grandmother decides to call his name and say that she needs something and he needs to come up.
Well, to be honest? Watching my grandfather get flustered is entertaining, along with watching the two of them argue with each other. I think that my grandfather repeats Jesus Christ’s name more times in a single day than God has in His entire lifetime of existence. He swears and yells and turns red and gets all tense and it is pure entertainment. I brought a friend to their house a few weeks ago and for some reason we got on the subject of Michael Jackson. (Now you also need to know that my grandfather is still old-school and racist as hell.) Well, that was it. I made the WRONG comment, completely intentionally of course, and decided to say that Michael Jackson wasn’t black – he was white. The sweat beads started dripping down his forehead and he started stuttering his words and repeating “Jesus Christ” before he came out screaming about black people in this society and he was not white and he just wanted to be white and damn him and all that kind of stuff. My grandmother simply looked at him and said, “you are going straight to Ninja heaven because that is going to be hell for you.” As horrible as it is, I had to laugh. My eyes began to water with hysterics as I laughed at my grandparents and my grandfathers frustration. He then quickly retreated to the basement to down an entire Budweiser before returning upstairs in a calm state.
This blog is dedicated to all the conversations that I have with my grandparents that involved busting my poor grandfathers’ balls. Thanks to my aunt for inspiring it and my little brother for coming up with a creative name!